Advice Needed Please - Very off Topic!!

[Charlie]

I hope nobody minds me going very off topic but I could do with some advice. In November 2018 my Newphew phoned asking me to be a guarantor on a loan for £1,000 I would not, not only because I didn't want to but also I was worried about the high interest he would incurr. David and I chatted and agreed to loan him the money which was transfered into his account within 10 minutes. He was very appreciative as he said it was for rent arrears, he has a partner and two small children so of course we were worried and wanted to help. At his suggestion he wanted to pay a monthly sum of £250, I asked him if he could afford it which he said he could. Fare enough. Fast forward to now, I am having to chase him up every month, he ignores my calls, texts and voicemails. When he does sometimes eventually ring me he has yet another excuse for non payment. He has paid us £100. I have said he can pay it back at an affordable sum every month as long as it's something. I have even written to his partner but no reply. This month I have sent three texts, numerous calls but he cuts me off, no response at all. My Sister (hims Mum) refuses to help.

I don't really know what to do, I feel we have been more than patient and helpful but I fear he just doesn't care. Regretably I now feel he took that money from us without any intention of paying it back. I really hope I'm wrong. We helped him and now he is treating us so badly, we are hurt and angry. Him ignoring me is the worst part about this situation.

Any other ideas on how to sort this out would be great. Thank you so much. xxx

 

[Jacqui-S]

Wow. Not a nice situation.
Was there anything written down? If not. He could claim it was a gift, so things Like the small claims court (should you even want to take that route) are probably out.
Sounds like they cant afford to pay back and are likely pretty embarrassed hence the no contact. Not good either. They should say.
From my inexperienced position I would say the money probably needs written off. Possibly a letter stating some disappointment but suggesting maybe in the future should they feel able to pay you back you would be delighted to hear from them.

Maybe someone else has some ideas.

 

[Atemas]

Aah @Charlie this is sad - he should come clean and say he can’t afford to pay the money back. He may have had good intentions initially but to not return calls or texts is just appallingly rude and I can quite see how you are hurt by this. I don’t know what you should do really and the fact your sister won’t help probably means he has done similar and probably worse to her. I suspect you’ll have to write it off.

 

[Boogie]

Oh dear.

We did this, 30 years ago, with a dear friend. He was hopeless with money and we loaned him £4000 to get him out of a big hole. He didn’t mention it again and avoided us, we just wrote it off, we had no choice. Of course he stopped seeing much of us too - probably embarrassed. Then, about five years ago and out of the blue, he turned up with a cheque for the full amount. He’d sorted his life out and it was still playing on his mind.

I hope you don’t have to wait so long.

Cautionary tale - always get it in writing even with family or dearest friends.

 

[kateincornwall]

I feel for you Helen . As you know , we loaned an enormous amount to my elder daughter some years ago , now I dont even know where she lives as she has moved and not told anyone where she is, not even her own sister ( Debbie ) in her efforts to avoid paying it back . I have just accepted that we will never see our money again, or my errant daughter for that matter but at least I can sleep at night .

 

[snowbunny]

To be totally honest, whenever I lend money, I do it with the belief that it won't be repaid. That means if I do get it back, it's a bonus. If not, it's far easier for me to let it slide and not create bad blood.

I agree with @Jacqui-S that your nephew is probably feeling very embarrassed which is why he's ignoring your attempts at contact.

 

[Candy]

I had a friend years ago who always said ' Never lend anything you're not prepared to part with'. I have followed his advice, which doesn't mean I have never lent anything but like Snowbunny I have always been pleasantly surprised if it's been returned/ repaid.

 

[Emily_Babbelhund]

To be totally honest, whenever I lend money, I do it with the belief that it won't be repaid. That means if I do get it back, it's a bonus. If not, it's far easier for me to let it slide and not create bad blood.

Yes, this is exactly me as well.

If you've only gotten GBP100 in seven months and he was supposed to pay you GBP250 a month, no amount of chasing on your part is going to change that situation. All the chasing is doing is stressing you out. I imagine your sister not helping means that she has already been down the same road with him. Write it off and maybe one day he will pay it back like @Boogie 's friend. If he does, you can count it as a windfall.

If you value your relationship with him, you might even want to tell him that you are writing it off (vs. just stopping with the chasing). That may get him communicating with you again and maybe even coming clean about what's going on with him.

I'm sorry this has happened to you - it stinks.

 

[Oberon]

To be totally honest, whenever I lend money, I do it with the belief that it won't be repaid.

What she said.... Right from the start I would’ve had no expectation of repayment in this situation. That doesn’t make non-repayment right or fair (it certainly isn’t). At this point I’d give up on it, unfortunately, and stop contacting him. Or, as Emily suggests, let him know you’re writing it off and/or that you won’t ask for it again (as a relationship salvaging measure). I’m sure he feels bad about it, but I expect he’s still strapped for cash and, from his perspective, there are more pressing demands to deal with.

Sorry that this has happened.

 

[Granca]

To be totally honest, whenever I lend money, I do it with the belief that it won't be repaid.

Sadly this is probably the best way to approach it. He may have had the best intentions of paying it back initially, but I suspect that if he needed to borrow to pay off existing debts he really wasn’t in the position to do so.

I’m sorry it’s put you in such a difficult situation. It would be a pity if it causes a breakdown in communication with him and with your sister.

 

[MellowYellow]

Yes, been there and done that too - once with a relative, and once with a good friend, both were lent thousands. The relative eventually came good (after years), the good friend moved abroad in the dark of night and has never been heard from again... So sorry Helen, no real advice other than put it down to experience. X

 

[Charlie]

Thank you all for helping me put this into perspective. My problem is because I would never treat anyone this way I just don't believe anyone would behave this way towards me. I'm truly naive even at my age xx

 

[Naya]

Unfortunately some people have good intentions, but then reality hits. It does sound like he was really struggling and if he was unable to pay his rent, I can’t imagine he had a spare amount each month to pay you back. It is a really difficult one because he is family, but it does sound like he’s embarrassed. I would send him a message saying you are disappointed, but understand he may be in a difficult place, and when he can afford it, he can pay it back. Or you can write it off completely.
There are so many families that my organisation works with that struggle every day to meet rent, put food on the table for their family and end up in a lot of debt. We work with the food bank and give out on average 8-10 vouchers per week for people who are struggling to feed their children. It’s a sad state of affairs.

 

[Charlie]

@Naya I have offered every ounce of support I can. I have suggested they pay what they afford each month just as a token but no response. I feel at the very least he could contact me to talk about it but nothing and that's what hurts me. He was quick enough to phone me for the money. I have sent him a message saying how disappointed I am - nothing. I will not write it off as I don't feel I should have too, he should be a responsible moral person.

There are so many families that my organisation works with that struggle every day to meet rent, put food on the table for their family and end up in a lot of debt. We work with the food bank and give out on average 8-10 vouchers per week for people who are struggling to feed their children. It’s a sad state of affairs.

My heart goes out to these families but believe me this is not how my nephew is affected. I know that for definate.

There's nothing more I can do but leave it as you all suggest and hope for the best. David and I are very fair understanding people. I however do hold a grudge family or not.

I would never help him again. xx

 

[Naya]

It does sound like he’s taking the mickey in that case! There are so many people who actually need help and don’t ever ask for it, but those who don’t necessarily need it will constantly ask and never repay! So sad really. I do feel for you @Charlie as it’s your hard earned money, and being family makes it harder. I would never help him again either! Big hugs x

 

[Charlie]

@Naya I think he is taking the mickey. We have our own four children to think of without him taking our money. xx

 

[Lisa]

I’m so sorry. I have to say that when we have lent money I have always assumed it wasn’t coming back. It’s tricky with family, and I’m sorry that your relationship with your nephew (and your sister, I suspect) will be strained because of this. Definitely live and learn in this situation. It would be very unwise to lend to him again. But do try to let the resentment go. It will harm you more than it will harm anyone else, in the end. It’s not easy, I know.

 

[Cath]

I lent £1.000 to my niece, it was my own money, but my OH said I shouldn't of done it. She never paid any money back and cut contact too, which hurt me more as we were very close. Then 5 years later out of the blue a cheque arrived in the post. I made contact to say thanks, but things have never been the same and that is what has hurt me the most.

 

[FayRose]

It's a rotten thing for a family member to do @Charlie but far from unusual as a lot of us can testify.

As others have said, you'll probably just have to write it off. If I was in your shoes though, I'd be glad that I leant the money and didn't guarantee a loan from elsewhere because you could, by now, find you actually owe a lot more and could be getting chased by a debt collection agency with all the negative connotations that brings

 

[Shaz82]

Some people do get into difficulty and have good intentions of paying back but unfortunately others see older relatives as a cash cow.
The fact that he is avoiding you and not even contacted you to apologise tells me he just does not care, if his own mother can't trust him to repay anything then I am afraid you will have to write it off. It is such a shame that some people have no respect and treat family members like this. I am sorry for you as it is very upsetting for you.