Friend’s Dog

[Atemas]

This is going to very long winded so I don’t expect anyone to read it all but it might help me in forming a clear plan of action.

During the autumn of 2017, our next but one neighbours got their first ever dog. This couple had moved in several months before and kept themselves very much to themselves. They never seemed to have visitors and we’d see them running or cycling and would say hi. When they got the dog - a Carpathian Sheepdog rescue from Romania, we started seeing them more. She was very friendly but her husband was not - in fact he was quite hostile which we found a bit strange. Anyway, one day an ambulance was at their house for ages and it transpired the man had broken his leg. We offered our help and I started going in to let the dog out and feed him so she could hospital visit. Long story short, he died last February in a specialist hospital some distance from here. I did a lot of dog care and the dog has become very attached to me and DH. It turned out that this couple have family but estranged in many ways for whatever reasons - she has stated she is a private person so I ask no questions and respect that. She is really on her own. I have ended up supporting her emotionally/practically - she doesn’t take advantage and whilst we text a lot, I don’t see a lot of her but I do see the dog a lot because...

She lets him out whenever she has a delivery, is washing her car, doing her front garden. He runs over when he sees us and leaps on Red when DH is taking her out. Last summer, I took Red round to play with him - she has a huge garden and she felt bad that he had no one to play with. The play was quite rough but I felt I could control it - treats came in handy! Then the darker/colder weather started so I was quite relieved not going round. Since then he has put on at least 8kg because she over feeds/treats him so he is now huge. I have tried to talk to her about that.

I have become aware of some people in the village being very critical of her and the dog. This is because she allows him to run to other dogs. She can’t understand when they get upset/angry. I have tried to explain dog etiquette but she is so emotionally caught up in the fact he is a rescue and had a horrible life - she can’t seem to move beyond that. He is her baby - I understand this too. I also understand she is grieving so her thinking is probably skewed. She is not a natural doggy person.

A few days ago I went to our bins out the front and he was outside our door. She has told me to if he’s out, he will go home. Not the point really (I have explained that if anything happened to him she would be mortified). Not for the first time, I injured my hand trying to get back in my own front door without him barging in. I hurt myself and felt bad I was shutting him out.

I will continue to support her emotionally (I feel sorry for her) and practically with the dog. I like her and she is now a friend as well as a neighbour but it is an unusual relationship as I didn’t know her before. She loves our two and has helped us when we have an evening out by coming in and letting them out in the garden. I am very grateful for this and do not want to jeopardise our friendship but I am not looking forward to finding reasons I dont want him playing with Red this summer. I also don’t want people to judge her but allowing him to just barge up to their dog’s isn’t on either. I said this would be long!!!

 

[Aitch]

Horrible situation. Are there any good trainers nearby? Going to training classes might open up a whole new world for her and her dog. Could you go to a couple of classes with her, just to get her started? She would then meet other doggy people and maybe come to realise that she isn't doing her furbaby any favours.
I know she and her dog aren't really your responsibility but it is always difficult when it is a friend, especially as she is grieving. I hope things get better for both you and her soon.

 

[HAH]

Thanks for sharing @Atemas , it’s not straightforward is it?
First and most importantly you’re a good friend and clearly understanding of a not-easy woman and her situation. She sees you as an ally which is great, and probably the most important thing although it’s not great if you’re getting a bit injured with helping out and it’s an entirely understandable concern that Red may be injured with rough play. Hopefully others will have practical suggestions or ideas for improvement.

 

[Atemas]

Thank you for this @Aitch. I did give her the number of a trainer way back but her dog is probably about 8 years old and I know she won’t take him to classes. I’d be more than happy to go if she did. I have tried to pass on tips I have learnt - she will listen, appears grateful and seems to understand but then ‘forgets’.

No @HAH, it’s not straightforward. The other day DH was going out with Red. He runs over and leaps all over Red - she comes over and apologies but does nothing. She had let one of the tyres down by accident on her car so she asked him if she could borrow our compressor. He handed her Red on her lead (saying look after her) and went into the garage. I actually heard Red yelp so I was not best pleased. I wanted to rush out and interfere!

 

[edzbird]

Would a walk with her and her dog be practical? If you could make it a regular, say once a week, special walk - it might be easier to pass on your knowledge when you're side by side, engaged in doing the same thing. She's been through a lot and it's lovely that you are there for her.

 

[Selina27]

Gosh, this is a difficult one for you @Atemas! You and your DH are good people.

I'm not sure I have any advice to add to others suggestions. Like the sound of @edzbird walking together, perhaps this would lessen the "novelty" factor and he might take things more in his stride? Does he like a ball? Could he be distracted like that on a walk? I guess you'd have to be clear about Red not getting hurt.

I wonder if she is aware of the legal ramifications of a dog causing injury to others?

 

[Beanwood]

I like @edzbird's suggestion. An informal, chatty walk. Then there isn't an "issue" to confront, just sharing thoughts and ideas, whilst building more of a rapport and good platform to move forward.

 

[Atemas]

Aah thank you everyone for reading and suggestions. I am seeing her this afternoon so will suggest a walk. She often mentions a run in she’s had with dog owners - I do carefully ask what happened and try to tackfully point out that if she had not done so and so or if she had done so and so it wouldn’t have happened. I feel so sorry for her really - she is taking anti depressants which is sad but she says take the edge off everything. The dog is ‘her world’ and is so pampered. He is a nice dog on his own and I have no problem seeing her and him without my two. She is always asking me to take them round and I am always finding excuses.

He doesn’t like a ball @selina or any toys unfortunately.

 

[MellowYellow]

Oh my gosh, this is so similar to a situation I had with a friend and her dog last year! It took quite some time (and lots of tears and upset, mostly on her part), but we got it sorted in the end. I’ll try to find the link and copy it to this thread.

 

[MellowYellow]

Here it is: Problems with a friend’s dog

 

[Charlie]

We could all do with friends like you Alison. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation which I fully understand. This poor lady has been through a lot. I agree, the walk/talk about training with your friend is the way forward. Maybe in time you could take Red on a short walk to see how things go to enable you to demonstrate your techniques which will help her. I have done this with two people in our village and thankfully they are much better owners and their dogs are much happier. Seeing is believing. Take care. xx

 

[Atemas]

Here it is: Problems with a friend’s dog

I remember it well and have thought about it often. So pleased you got things sorted and I am confident I can here too. I went to see her yesterday - the subject of dogs didn’t come up - she had other things she wanted to discuss and we ended up having a good chat over a cup of tea - so wasn’t able to suggest a walk together. She in herself seemed a lot better - I thought she was quite manic before Christmas but I did understand it was a heightened difficult time for her. My mantra is always ‘onwards and upwards’ and I hear myself saying it often when with her.

 

[Stacia]

You could say you don't want Red to play as it could damage his joints as he is a Labrador. I think Selina and Beanwood's suggestion that you walk together is perfect. I used to meet a lady with a greyhound and this dog would rush over and bark in my dogs' faces and was highly excited, now that we walk together, the dogs just potter around enjoying mutual scents they found.

 

[Naya]

What a difficult situation @Atemas. I’m glad she has got you there supporting her as it sounds like she’s very isolated. I think going on the odd walk with her might help, even maybe taking Red so the ‘novelty’ wears off. My neighbours dog is always trying to get in my house because at his he is often locked out and is rarely walked . It’s sad really.

 

[Atemas]

My neighbours dog is always trying to get in my house because at his he is often locked out and is rarely walked . It’s sad really.

That is very sad - why do people have dogs and not care for them properly?

as it sounds like she’s very isolated.

Very much so - I think of their own making when her husband was alive. In a way the dog is a blessing as she has to take him out twice a day. I started to text when her husband was in hospital and I was looking after the dog whilst she visited him. I wanted to reassure her he was ok. Then when her husband died, she asked if I would continue to text her. It only takes a few minutes each day and at least I know she is ok

Thank you @Jelinga, @edzbird’s suggestion of a walk is a good one. My friend walks her dog at different times to us but there are ways around that. Also come the nicer lighter weather, I shall suggest we walk the dogs rather than playing.