Nighttime musings

[Jen]

So this is just me trying to justify myself being a big softie but the biggest advice the midwives and health visitors are pushing at the minute is that you cannot love your baby too much. So if they’re crying - go to them, do not leave them to cry (I say laid here with a baby on my chest).

Anyway - so today I was at a baby shower with OH’s family, and his SIL (who I’m not a huge fan of, I’ll admit) was basically doing the “you’ll make a rod for your own back going to him every time he cries because he’ll learn you always come” etc.

Well I remember when we got Stanley - OH’s brother and SIL said we had to leave him to cry and he’s get used to it etc which OH insisted we do. Well again, I was a big softie and didn’t even last the night. So when he cried, I used to go and check on him, let him toilet etc and resettle him.

Stanley’s been brilliant since he was 5 months old, never cries in the night - unless there’s a reason, such as he needs the toilet when he has a bad tummy.

But it got me thinking, that their dog never cries in the night. They’ve said many times that they’ve come down to accidents in the morning where the dog has been unwell, and when I’ve questioned whether she barked they’re like no I wish she would though.

Well well well.. is it not possible, that the dog has learned from an early age that it’s pointless barking - because nobody comes?! And therefore proof it’s better to get up with them, meet their needs and resettle them. That to me doesn’t say you’re spoiling them, but just letting them know you’re there when they need you.

Or I’m just trying to make myself better for being a softie

 

[Ashley]

Interesting...I also went to Quinn when she cried, but not if she was just out and barked. If she cried again though, I would comfort her while in her crate (petting, talking to her). Now she cries when she needs out urgently...but never barks. I always go to her. You might be on to something...

 

[Lab_adore]

One of us always went to Maxx when he was a puppy and cried in the night. We'd let one cry pass but as soon as there was a second noise one or both of us were up. We worried about it becoming a habit and making a rod for our own backs but it didn't happen. Now he is a brilliant sleeper and only cries/barks if he needs to go out to the loo. So I agree with your philosophy. I hope Rory goes to sleep soon so that you can too.

 

[Kelsey]

Hmmm very good point. I was very fortunate with Odie and Axel, neither cried in their crates so I don’t have any personal experience to add but I feel you may be on to something. I’m interested to see what others say.

 

[Atemas]

F was very much of the ‘old school’ thinking when we got Red. He insisted we didn’t go to her in the night and she cried big time that first night. She then stopped crying at night and we had the wet and soiled crate. You may remember this, it was one of the first things I posted about on the other forum and by then I was seriously puppy blued. I started to get up to her even though she didn’t cry and by 4 months she was clean and dry at night and has continued to be. F has since said his view was wrong. So I reckon as far as puppies go - you get up to them when they cry and take them outside with minimum fuss.

As far as babies go. I would never let a baby ‘cry itself to sleep’ and if they wake at night, then I’d go to them. I personally feel you can’t love them enough and in the overall scheme of things, this time is small. However, some babies do need this for a long time and it can be exhausting. I’d say just ignore the comments - why people think they need to foist their views on others is beyond me - you do what you feel is right - you are the parents, not them

 

[Granca]

It depends on the crying/barking. Wispa tends to bark in the night sometimes and I’m not sure what disturbs her. I wait for a minute or two to see if it continues and then go to investigate. If she’s still lying down, I just tell her to go to sleep, but if she’s standing up I let her out, without talking to her or interacting in any way (except, perhaps, for muttering under my breath!). I’m not convinced that it’s ever urgent, as she just saunters out into the garden and sniffs around before she disappears to do whatever she needs to do. Sometimes, though, she’s really nervous, as if maybe a fox has disturbed her. A few nights ago she barked really urgently, as if she was warding something off. I didn’t really want to go and open the door! I waited a few minutes, she stopped the intermittent urgent barking, so I left well alone. She was fine in the morning!

Babies are similar - it’s one thing to cuddle your baby if he’s crying in the night and perhaps feed, change or just settle him. However, It’s not playtime, so just soothing, calming contact is best. Nighttime can be scary, as can dreams!

 

[FayRose]

Instinct, instinct all the way. If you feel you should go to the crying baby/puppy/baby anything, then follow your instinct and go to them.

That's how I've always done it. All our dogs have always slept downstairs in their beds at night and without exception we've never had problems. On occasions when poorly, they would all bark or cry and we knew immediately the noise was for a good reason and we'd go to them.

As for babies, what do your in-laws mean by making a rod for your own back? Do they think Rory will be crying in his bed when he's 12 or 20? Babytime is so short - although it may not seem like it just now - I think you're absolutely right, comfort him when you clearly feel he needs you to.

 

[Joy]

I think you're doing the right thing with both baby and dog - I wouldn't ignore either crying.

 

[JES72]

I agree with you, they are tiny babies and need you. When my niece was still quite tiny, shorly after they had moved her crib to her own room next to theirs, my brother persuaded my sister in law to just let her cry. Eventually Melanie got up and the poor little baby girl had been sick, vomit everywhere. SIL said never again would she not respond to a cry.

 

[Xena Dog Princess]

I think you're on to something. I think I treated puppy Xena much the way I treated Dawn - I'd lie there after the initial squawk hoping against all hope that it was just a blip, then I'd drag my ass out of bed when it persisted. When Xena has an urgent poo in the middle of the night she'll whimper until I wake up. I also snuggled with Dawn heaps when she was a baby - lots of letting her sleep in my arms, and when she got bigger I'd bring her into our bed first thing in the morning in order to get some more sleep. No "rod for my own back" issues - kid isn't clingy, will happily go on overnight trips without a parent. Rory's still tiny, you'll figure out how to balance it with time.

 

[Boogie]

I agree with your midwife. Babies can’t be ‘spoilt’. It’s when they learn the word ‘no’ that we need to be sure they don’t always get their own way!

My eldest was the clingiest boy ever - I always knew where he was, he was holding on to my skirt! He grew up happy, intelligent and very independent.

As we speak he’s hiking with his pregnant partner in the Bavarian alps.

 

[Candy]

I don't think I could ever leave anyone to cry, hooman or otherwise.

 

[Charlie]

Instinct, instinct all the way. If you feel you should go to the crying baby/puppy/baby anything, then follow your instinct and go to them.

Exactly this. You know as a mum the different types of cries human or dog. With my babies crying during the night meant, change, bottle, burp and straight back to bed settled without delay. I had it down to under 15 minutes. All my children are very independent, travel overseas alone etc.

If Charlie barks in the night it usually means he has an upset stomach so you get there quick sharp. Hattie never barks during the night, her sleep is as valuable to her as is mine!! xx

 

[Shaz82]

I think you are right Jen - about the dog, don't know about the baby but I would cave and go to him.
They have taught him not to bark or whine (dog not baby), for any reason and that is what he is doing. Rod, back.

 

[Boogie]

I don't think I could ever leave anyone to cry, hooman or otherwise.

I had no problem as a school teacher. Some kids can turn it on like a tap. I’d say ‘crying doesn’t work, now dry your tears and talk to me’.
.

 

[Candy]

Yes, I can see the sense in that. It's perhaps as well I didn't go into teaching!

 

[Boogie]

I don't think I could ever leave anyone to cry, hooman or otherwise.

Having said that about humans I can’t leave pups to cry at all! I’d sit up all night feather than listen to a fur baby cry, ‘tho I’ve never had to do it.

Hope I haven’t jinxed it for the next pup!

 

[JES72]

Evil, mean nasty me - I have, in the process of making a primary school aged child aware of the consequences of their actions, possibly caused a tear or two to be shed - especially the lille so and so who stole a Kitkat chocolate bar from my desk, caught red handed then tried to deny it. I still remember my Dad very clearly telling me the story of the little boy who cried wolf. I wouldn't leave a child to cry without finding out why first.

I have had parents of 8 year old asking me how to stop their child from walking into their room waking them at night, and then the parent whose 9 year old still sleeps in bed with their mother, and the 11 year old who was scared of sleeping and refused to sleep, needing an awake adult to sit with him for four nights on a residential camp.

 

[Jen]

It’s interesting isn’t it?

Don’t get me wrong - in the night we’re only up for feeds, nappy changes or cuddles. With Rory’s reflux it sometimes wakes him up and he’s a bit unsettled for a while after so we have some cuddles to calm him back down.

I just remember everyone telling me I’d regret going down to Stanley and I never have.

And I don’t care if either of my babies think I’m a soft touch, I’d much rather that and them know I’ll be there when they need me.

And I’d much rather a dog barking to get me up than coming down to a mess!

Plus my mam would absolutely kill me if she thought I was leaving either of them to cry!

 

[Natalie]

I did let Monty cry quite a bit and it's the one thing I really regret, fortunately he grew out of it and became a very settled sleeper in his crate by 5 months, up until 2 years ago where he got free reign to sleep where he liked. However he's always been good about waking me up when he has a dodgy tum, only once in 5 years has he not woken me and I've had to clean up runny poo (from right by the back door) he taps the bolt of the back door to let us know he needs to go out, and thus escalates into a whine I'd we are too slow.