What if you can never move on?

[Emily_Babbelhund]

Today I put Carbon's blue 'in training' cape on for the first time with all his patches sewn in place. He looked so smart and so proud of himself. I'm very proud of how far he's come. In many ways, though he is still a foster, he now does a lot of service dog tasks that Brogan did for me, especially helping with stairs and mitigating some of the worst symptoms of other injury-related issues I have.

However...

...for tonight's walk I put on Carbon's new vest again and it just felt wrong. I bought the particular make and style of vest because I knew it from Brogan. It is light, comfortable and well made. Blue is my favourite color, so I bought blue again, just like I did for Brogan. Why not? It's pretty. Except when I put it on tonight, all I could think of was that the sight of that vest made me angry and so sad. I wanted to see that vest on another dog whom I still miss so very, very much.

The upshot was that I had to take off Carbon's shiny new vest during our evening walk. I balled it up in my bag, was brusque and impatient during our walk, and had an ugly cry when I got home. Poor Carbon...that's so not fair to him.

As sweet as Carbon is, we don't especially click. He wants food, I give him food, he "loves me" for the food. He does keep an eye on me and I'm pretty sure he likes me, but he's not one for a cuddle -something that changed from our early days - and I feel pretty much interchangeable with anyone else who comes up to him with the right sort of food and cheery voice.

And that's ok, really, I guess - though I wish the situation was different - as I'm just holding him safe until his real human comes along.

If Carbon isn't my dog then I'm becoming convinced that I'm at the end of the line dog-wise. I had the chance at a really excellent puppy this past year and made the incredibly hard decision to pass. There's another coming up in January I could probably have if I gave a big push. But I'm not going to. I don't think I have it in me, and after nearly four years, I don't think it's going to change any time soon, no matter how much I wish it would.

As sad as it makes me, I wonder... what if you can never move on... even though you really should?

 

[Leanne]

That is so sad to read and so clear how much you miss your boy...

Are you sure though that you are not stopping yourself from making that attachment again? It’s completely normal when we lose someone precious to us to not ever want to feel that pain again - sometimes it can become something of a survival instinct to avoid anything that would risk it.

If you allow yourself to love another dog, it is not disloyalty to Brogan in any way shape or form. You love/d him and he you. Nothing will or can ever change that.

It doesn’t mean you can’t love or be loved again though.

Maybe stop looking for a link with something that feels like it did with Brogan - I have two children - I love both of them immeasurably but one of them is easier than the other - one is the ‘perfect’ child who does everything they should do and excels at everything she touches - one is a bloody nightmare that causes me untold amounts of angst.. interestingly it is that child that I’m probably closer too - not because I love them more.. but because they need me more and my instinct to protect is stronger.

I think maybe you are protecting Brogans memory. You don’t need too, he’s woven into your psyche, built into your personality.




And this is what happens when you invite a psychotherapist into the group! Sorry

 

[Naya]

I just want to fly over and give you a big hug. But here’s a virtual one until we meet next
I’ve only ever had Harley so I really can’t say I know how you feel, but my heart does go out to you.
My aunt who always had rotties currently has a bichon frisse which suits her now limited mobility and lifestyle. She is definitely not the same with this one as she was with her rotties. Her heart will always be with them which is why she went for a completely different breed. She said it’s her way of being able to still have a dog without comparing them all the time.

 

[Jacqui-S]

Your sadness really comes through Emily. I felt it in the heath/fitness thread before I read this.
Never a good time to make decisions.
Maybe you need to step back, do something else, don't overthink it. I know, easy to say.
Hugs from me too xxxxx

 

[UncleBob]

Hi Emily,

So sorry to hear that you are struggling.

I'm no psychotherapist (as I'm sure will be evident to @Leanne !) but I see it like this:
Dog's all have their own unique characters, just as we do. As a result, you will never find another Brogan. It's just not possible. However, what you can do is to find another dog with it's own unique character and learn to love that dog for who he is, and he in turn will love you for who you are.

I remember how good you were with Harvey and how much he liked you. I'm sure the same is true for other forum dogs that you've met. Don't give up - I'm sure you can find another dog to love.

 

[Granca]

That’s so sad. No dog will ever be able to take Brogan’s place, he’s there in your memory for ever and was really special.

Just take it steadily with Carbon and try not to compare, because he will never be the same, nor will any other dog. It’s lovely to read that he’s now doing service tasks for you after all the time and energy you have spent in caring for him. He must love you very much and he now looks so happy, even if he isn’t inclined to be cuddly.

Wispa and Tuppence are very different in character. Wispa always greets people she knows very enthusiastically (even boisterously at times, as she’s so genuinely thrilled to see them), whereas Tuppy’s pleased to see them but immediately rushes for her toys and demands play time rather than greeting people. However, Tuppy loves her evening cuddles, but Wispa has never been cuddly and is even inclined to growl if I stroke her when she’s sleeping. Tuppy makes me laugh with her ‘needy’ ways, Wispa makes me despair sometimes when she’s being a bit tricky and having one of her ‘seeing monsters’ days, but both are very loveable dogs in different ways and I wouldn’t be without them.

 

[Boogie]

What a beautiful photo of you and Brogan.

Some days are worse than others.

Try to take one at a time ((many hugs))

 

[Charlie]

What a beautiful photo Emily. I think it's time to step back and not make any decisions until maybe one day you feel you can invite another dog into your life and heart. I do believe we have our dog in a million, Hattie is definitely mine, but I also believe there is still so much room in our hearts to give love to another dog but maybe in a different way. Thinking of you xx

 

[Natalie]

Emily, I'm sorry you are feeling this way, still being on our first dog I honestly don't know how you are feeling. I would echo others thoughts that there's no need to make a decision about whether you should ever have another dog, in fact that's never a decision you should make because as you have shown, you can care for a dog any time, any place.
I do think having a puppy of your own will be different.... if, when you do make that choice, I honestly think you will differently, just because that dog is only, and truly yours. And again as others have said more eloquently than me, they will have their own unique character and will never be a Brogan replacement.

As for the food thing.... I totally get it. I often feel mugged for food and occasionally think that is Monty's one and only true motivator. But I also know he loves being with us... right now we are still curled up in bed (I'm working at home )he could chose any other room and any other bed to be on but he's on my feet and that's good enough for me.

 

[HAH]

Huge sympathy and hugs to you @Emily_Babbelhund , you’re clearly feeling raw and that’s entirely understandable. Again, others have said it better but first and foremost be kind to yourself; don’t listen to any pressure that says you need or should do x, y and z. Take time and space, the way you feel now isn’t forever x

 

[FayRose]

Oh, bless you. It sounds as if seeing Carbon in what you still think of as Brogan's gear has bought his loss back to you with a fresh punch. Very sad to read from you - always so positive and with a wonderful way with words, you paint incredible word pictures.

I suspect 'your' dog is out there, you just haven't met up yet. Took me 2 years to get over losing BJ who was my best friend when I really needed one. Molly will never take his place but she is making her own way into my heart.

Thinking of you, wishing you well, and wishing you the right pup x

 

[Xena Dog Princess]

Oh Emily, I'm sorry that your grief is still so raw. You've got so much on your plate between your health issues, immigration issues, job issues, tax issues, I'm not surprised that your emotions are messing with you. I don't know about the puppy, maybe it's one of those "there is no right time so just do it and it'll work out" scenarios, but maybe you'll find some clarity once your life settles down a bit. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do *hugs*

 

[Joy]

I'm really sorry you're feeling so bereft at the moment. On the one hand, you don't have to have a dog - if you feel at heart that you don't want another, then that's your choice, and it's a perfectly valid choice.
But if you respond to that by thinking, ' Oh yes I do have to have a dog in my life,' then perhaps a puppy could be the best route, in that the relationship would build gradually as the pup grew. With a foster dog you know he's 'not the one' - with a puppy you make the decision that come what may this is 'the one' and it's almost an act of will to make it so. In Molly's first few weeks with us I cried for my last dog and desperately wanted him back, but I didn't remotely consider handing Molly back and that sort of 'digging in' and determination led to me growing to love her as much as Rolo.

 

[snowbunny]

You've had so much good advice already, and I also find it hard to hear how painful this is for you. I wish there was a magic wand that could take all the pain away and just leave you with your happy memories. I have no advice as such, but I think that it might be worth keeping in mind how so many of us feel about our puppies. We care for them, we laugh at them, we despair at them. We like or sometimes even love them, sometimes sooner than others. But that profound sense of connection and the unbreakable bond, that takes time. Sometimes a long time. That's OK, and is only to be expected. Just because a foster or adopted dog is maybe fully grown, it doesn't mean the process takes any less time. I obviously fell for Ginny very early on, but in the way that I thought she was special and deserved so much more than she had. She bonded with me straight away, but it's still taking time to build that deeper connection, where we understand each other. It's the difference between love at first sight, which can be superficial and brief, compared to the profound love that builds through knowing the bones of someone. The latter can sprout from the former, but it takes time to get there.

 

[kateincornwall]

Emily , I feel so sad for you , but can also empathise .
I would say , as I have told myself over and over , that you don't need to let go . You can still love Brogan ,still hold him dear to you , nothing will ever stop this , nor should it do . But loving another dog is not a betrayal of those deep emotions , if anything it is a wonderful memorial to our lost ones , that we have hearts big enough to love them forever and also love again .
Its tough , I know so well and speak as someone who has dithered on the edge of taking in another dog, but being afraid to give love again .
Be kind to yourself , ignore those who show impatience ( I`ve had those ! ) , try not to focus too much on the future, on getting another one or not , just go with the flow .
When I was grieving for Millie , and began to ponder having another friend for darling Sam , Jacqui said some words that have stuck with me , and are valid right now : Whats meant for you, wont run past you xxxxxxxx

 

[edzbird]

try not to focus too much on the future, on getting another one or not , just go with the flow .

Excellent advice. What will be will be.

 

[Aitch]

Over the years I have lost many dogs but one in particular left me grieving so deeply I wasn't sure how to move forward. I do know how you are feeling and I sympathise with you. I have never gotten over the death of my girl but I have learnt that the heart stretches to allow other dogs to live alongside her.
My heart goes out to you Emily. X

 

[Boogie]

@snowbunny said -

It's the difference between love at first sight, which can be superficial and brief, compared to the profound love that builds through knowing the bones of someone. The latter can sprout from the former, but it takes time to get there.

Yes. Absolutely.

I dearly love every one of my pups and think about how they are doing every day.

But Tatze is my dog and we have that special bond.

So why did this sentence bring tears to my eyes? It was remembering the others who went before. Boogie, Callum and Gavin

 

[Kay]

I’m really sorry to hear you sounding so sad.

I’ve nothing to add that hasn’t been said so well above.

I had a wonderfully deep connection with my Pres - he was my everything. And perhaps luckily circumstances took over and we were on a waiting list for our new pup before Pres started to really go downhill - otherwise I think I’d have found it very hard to then take the step to get a new lad.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love my little Boomer but the click hasn’t really happened yet - we’re not soul mates….yet. Maybe it will come in time - the bond is growing more and more every week but maybe it won’t. But that’s ok - cause I still love him, he’s a wonderful part of the family and massively enriches my life and I think we’re giving him a good time. And for me, it’s still a million times better than not having a dog in my life.

I think you’re off travelling again soon - I do hope you are going where friends can take care of you for a bit. Go easy on yourself and give yourself a big hug.

 

[Plum's mum]

Beautiful picture @Emily_Babbelhund of you and Brogan.
Sorry you're feeling sad right now.
Lots of sage advice here, I particularly agree with @snowbunny about the bond taking time to develop. Took me over a year I think to properly fall in love with Plum and feel it intensely and consistently.

Thinking of you. You're an inspirational, funny, erudite and loving woman (it shines through in your posts) and you deserve that back in spades.